two country dads

It's been a big day in our house this morning. Ben and I have decided to put our adoption journey on hold for a few months. We are making lots of changes to the structure of our business and both are looking into retraining. We have always maintained that we can juggle the adoption and these changes and in theory we could, but we are both shattered with all the logistics and the financial uncertainty that come with the changes that we know we need to be responsible and step back, it may end up only being for 6 months over this winter but that would be enough to get us going again. It may end up being longer (if we considered retraining fully - I may do a degree?!) but after a long and very emotional talk this morning we feel that we would be ok to wait. We're only 33 and still feel that we have time on our side. It's hard as we have been so focused on adoption for over a year now that stepping back seems a little odd but we know, deep down under the sadness, that this is th...

Ok stay with me on this one ..... I don't mean to say kids are often red or green, unreliable and often a bit stinky - although!? We have been waiting to hear back from the SW of the profile we've read of an out of county child who we are really keen on but sadly haven't had a response. We know he has a new SW so this may have something to do with it. Then on Wednesday we get a call from our SW to say there is an in county profile they wanted us to look at so we have and we're going to try and get some more info on them as well. Last report was from May and they will have started preschool in Sept and it will be interesting to find out how that is going - they have some social anxieties that might make it challenging but will be very reviewing to see how the change is coped with. So "kids are like buses" refers to the frequency they turn up not the other things.

Profile received and read last night. I had to Skype Ben as he is still away and I wasn't waiting a whole day before reading the profile. It was all ok really, few questions that need clarification but he sounds like a good match to us. We text out SW last night and asked her to try and arrange a visit by his SW. Fingers crossed they think we're a good match. So ts a small step, but it's definitely a step in te right direction. So time for more waiting ......

It's a funny process really, Just over a year ago we went to an informal meeting about maybe adopting one day. We thought it would be about a three year wait until we actually had a kid moving in. Then you realise the whole thing is a lot quicker. Almost a year after starting our home visits we have been through a huge amount of naval gazing, talking about our childhoods, our relationships, our expectations etc. We have had the highs and lows of turning down two profiles. Then today I'm full of anxiety and tension about the possibility of the profile being dropped off tonight. From the brief profile he seems like a great match but what if there is more in his CPR, what if his SW doesn't think we're suitable, what if, what if .... What if so many things. So what has this process taught me about myself? I don't like waiting, I don't like being out of control, I form very strong attachments very quickly without a huge amount of information. I really want to be ...

FYI This post is mainly going to focus on the idea that I'm trying to be calm and not getting overexcited but I think it's only fair to tell you that the truth is my stomach is in knots and I want to jump around. I have to convince myself I'm calm and what will be will be. We spoke last week about maybe not looking at BMP for a while as it was getting us down not hearing back about enquires and also we were just getting a bit overwhelmed by it all. We met up with our friends who adopted two boys last month and we spent the morning with them and it was lovely, they have settled into the madness really well and it was so great to see them as a family. But it did make me very sad after. I felt like I needed to make it less of a priority. Hence not posting too much on here either. But ....... Last Sunday Ben had a glance thru BMP whilst we were having our tea and although I was trying not to engage with it he found a profile of a 4 year old boy who was very cute and his pro...

Haven't updated this for a while as we have had a very busy summer at work and not a very busy time on the adoption front. Be My Parent is a great resource but its also quiet soulless and disheartening at times. We've made 4 enquiries and received two responses. One the profile doesn't go into the child's medical issues and question marks the other has already been linked. The other two profiles we've heard nothing back from even though I've followed up with a direct email. So looking back on BMP there are 100's of profiles and looking through them is draining. We also haven't heard much from our SW (it's summer holidays so I get that it'll be quieter). She has said we've been looked at for profiles but because of location not been able to be considered. We know that it will happen but I think we're both getting a little impatient at the mo. it's hard to plan anything at the mo because we don't know what will happen. I think wh...

This week we joined be my parent and have expressed interest in two separate profiles. First one the SW phoned the next morning. The second one we haven't heard anything from, its not been long so not to worry, also it's August so SW may be away on holiday etc. my logical brain is screaming at me to calm down and get on with things however every five minutes I'm checking my phone to see if I've missed a call. Refreshing emails every few minutes just in case (in case of what I don't know - not expecting an email from anyone). I'm sure I've said it before - and will say it again in the future - but this process makes you crazy. Last night I woke up in the middle of a dream about one of the profiles, I jumped out of bed (responding to an imagined cry from the spare room) with my heart racing.

I signed us up to be my parent yesterday and Ben logged in and had a look around and or child jumped out at us so I hit the enquire button. This morning we had a call from his SW. She is going to make contact with our SW and his details are being sent down. Crazy that it's so quick or maybe just reassuring!

We're coming up to three months since our approval and are getting things going with being able to search for children out of county. We have asked our SW to get us on the national register and have got access to profile via New Family Social. It is strange to ne start actively looking at profiles. It's a very odd feeling. A word or phrase in a report just makes you think 'no' or if you don't see any issues you start thinking could this be 'the one' and freak out! It's not helped that Ben has been away for two days so ive been sitting over thinking things. I'm going to get s on be y parent and children who wait as well just so we an over load on profiles! It's very exciting but extremely daunting as well. The roller coaster continues ......

I have to vent the "child crazy" mood I'm in and dear blog that is why you're here so forgive me but .... I WANT OUR CHILD - NOW - please and thank you. Phew. Glad that's out. We're not linked our anything and haven't heard any news for a while but I'm literally obsessed with thinking about having a kid. Our lovely friends from prep group are meeting their two (greedy) sons tomorrow and now schools have broken up our shop is full of young families. I think I freak the kids out by being so catty with them. They ave a look of "dude back off and stop being odd" also with the schools breaking up comes an end to my weekly volunteering at the reception class so I don't even get a morning talking to little ones. I feel like I'm going a loopy. There is nothing to be done about this apart from get over myself and be logical - today neither of these things are happening. Anyway that's it - nothing of interest to report apart from my...

I have no news apart from we have no news! Haven't heard anything from SW so no new matches. We have another month to wait before we can go on the national register so can't be proactive yet. Keep trying to say to ourselves (and everyone who asks) that actually it's a good thing and we're really busy with work so we're happy to wait but we really want a kid. We are volunteering at pre school and primary school and this morning I drove past Ben walking with two kids holding his hand and it floored me - felt so overwhelmed with emotion about seeing him as a dad. Actually makes me feel teary thinking about it again whilst I type. We are also meeting up this weekend with our friends from prep group. One couple have their son who we'll meet for the first time (!) the others are going to matching panel next week and fostering panel the week after to get two brothers (adopt one and foster other as he's new born and may go back to birth family). We really are th...

Well it's been a long and emotional weekend but we have come to the conclusion that this little boy isn't for us. We're equally sad and relieved. He will make a family a great son but not us. It's hard to define why but it comes down to feelings and a lot of uncertainty with him. I think if you took one "issue" away from him the others would be ok but as a combination it is just too much for us right now. We did acknowledge that if we had already adopted and were looking to do it again the we probably would have been able to cope with it but as our first child it is just too much for us. We're a little sad and a little relieved. It has also helped us focus on what we do want. So back to the waiting game .... The roller coaster continues.

Really lovely meeting with the Foster Carers today, has really helped humanise him and given us an understanding of what day to day life might be like. Seen videos, more photos, reports from his nursery and been given a very clear understanding of who he is. I guess now is the tough part. Ben and I deal with situations like this very differently so we are going to need a couple of days to mull it over in our own ways and then see where we're at. We both know we'll support each other either way but I think we have a very good picture of him. We have a meeting booked next Thursday with the Dr so we will probably use that as a focus point for making a decision one way or the other. It is too emotionally draining to let it drag on and on. As our friends said about their new son. "You have to Make a choice and stick to it" At this moment in time I don't know 100% what we'll choose. He is a great child but he will need a high level of support with his additional...

Had a great meeting with the psychologist - we met her at the prep group and thought then how amazing she was and after an hour with her today we think she is even more amazing. Completely explained everything clearly, with humour and with a sense of reality. Beautiful metaphor about this child being on an emotional island  that he is self sufficient and in control and someone just needs to help him get off the island (asd child would never get off it) Without saying so directly she doesn't think he has autism as he has started to make secure attachment to foster carers and he is starting to play and be interested in other children at play group. Really good to find out more about repairing a child's brain and that it is possible to repair them emotional (maybe not fully but partially) Also when getting out of the car tonight we bumped into our friend int he village who has an adopted boy about the same age as the boy we are looking at. It was really good to chat to her and s...

Well we met with our social worker and the child's SW yesterday and it was, as the tittle of this post says, an intense experience. I'm trying to pick through my emotions to pinpoint what I'm feeling. It is tricky. So, dear blog, I'm going to try and set things down here in hope that things become clearer. His Social worker is lovely, and it was great to spend some real time with our new SW. They are both very experienced and really laid it all out for us, without applying pressure. I get the feeling they think its a good match but haven't tried to push us. We both feel very supported so that is nice. We were shown some photos of him and that has really helped to humanise him and stop him just being a set of "issues" or unknowns. He looks very cute and full of energy - most images were blurred because I guess he was jumping around a lot! The questions about his development haven't really been answered - because no one can know 100% what will happ...

Dear blog - firstly let me start by saying sorry for ignoring you. Half term was a busy week and with the sun shining I've not been sitting by a computer in the evenings. So forgive me bit try to understand I was thinking if you. Now that is out the way I will start updating in order of events. We got confirmation I an appointment with the psychologist a day or two after my last post and we go to see her next Thursday. This will be to talk over any long term issues to do with developmental delay and attachment. We have just confirmed that we have a meeting with the boys social worker on Monday morning. This is very exciting as we'll get an up to date idea of how he is settling and what has changed since the last report in his file. I guess this is also the point where she will decide if we are a good match for him! No pressure then. We will also be shown current photos of him from his foster carers We are waiting on getting a meeting with the medical adviser as well. ...

I emailed our SW worker today saying we would like to get more info on this young man expecting to wait til Friday for a reply as she is on leave now. But within a few hours we had a response and she is going to be making calls on Tuesday and is trying to get us some photos from the foster carers. So it's all systems go ....... Crazy feelings. Hard to pinpoint. Trying to stay calm and rational but sometimes failing miserably.

Today is our one year anniversary. This time last year we were sitting down to a stunning lunch in London with our parents and best friends. It was a stunningly hot day and we were very happy young men (youngish). This year - about the same time we get a call from our SW about a potential match. Hands up who believe in fate? We haven't heard from our new SW since panel 5 weeks ago as she is part of the senior management team and there has been a lot going on in the department. We were ok with the break but had just started to wonder how long we'd have to wait for contact. Then it happens. There are a lot of questions to be asked about this little one and we know little about them apart from the basics but our SW is dropping off the report tonight so we can read it over and see what we think. It's funny, we met a lady in our village who has a young boy that she adopted a few years ago and last night we caught up with her properly and after talking to her it made me feel ...

Just thought I'd do a quick update .... Although it is an update and not having anything to update about. Does that even make sense? Our SW has no retired and we have been assigned another SW who we've met and knows us etc. so all is good with that. We haven't heard from her yet, not unusual I'm sure but it's a funny feeling and I thought it worth describing on here. Getting to panel is this big thing, very focused and with a lot of contact. It's tiring and seems like a steep hill to climb. Before we got there we were thinking how nice it would be to get approved then "get back to normal". To not be so focused on adoption. But the truth is I think about it everyday and I want to start reading kids reports. I want us to be matched and have a child ASAP. I kind of pretend its good to have so time but the truth is I want the momentum to keep going. It ironic really as I think in the beginning we thought that getting a child would e the end of this yea...

Had a lovely phone call from our social worker saying the Decision Maker and agreed with the panels recommendation and we are officially approved to adopt. Also found out that the Social worker who did our second opinion is going to be taking over for matching so we are very pleased. Nice to have a connection already and she has at least met us. So we'll wait for her now to arrange a meeting. We are fairly relaxed about it all now. Friends who were approved two weeks before us have already been matched with a little boy (took less tan three weeks!) I have to be honest and say I'm glad we have a little time out! Nice to catch our breath.

Well we are approved by panel - have to wait to get the rubber stamp from the decision maker but this stage is done. Funny feeling. Amazing that it's done and ready for the next stage. Panel was simple and we both tried to stay relaxed and open. Bit daunting at first as its fairly formal but very nice people. Will update more when I've had time to process it.

Just thought it might be good to get a record of the day before panel. Tomorrow feels like it's the real start of something. The last five months have been warming up. I guess when you start this process you are thinking about having a family (however that's made up) and it is very child focused. You think about holidays and school plays and all the fun stuff you remember from your childhood. You are aware that adopted kids will have some "issues" but you know that with your love they will be fine. Then you start the home visits and its a lot like therapy, talking about you and your past. Then Prep group shows you all the other sides, abuse, birth families perspective, medical and psychological impact of children. You also start your own research and read about primal wounds and attachment disorders and you basically stay thinking why would I want a monster living with us!? But then once you get a little break towards the end whilst your report is written you start to...

After 17 home visits over 5 months we have just had our last meeting before panel in TEN DAYS! Second opinion was painless and it is nice to feel really ready for panel. The SW asked a few questions that she had from reading our report and clarified a few areas. She was very friendly and it was good to meet a new SW as ours is retiring after our panel (no reflection on us I hope!) It is an odd feeling to be at this point. To start with panel seems like some obscure mountain that you never reach the top of. But now we're nearly there. Very much looking forward to it and to the next step.

So big week this week - we finally opened our new business and we got our report to read and sign off. Strange feeling to think we have finally finished an epic 5 months. We're both shattered but I guess that's good practice for being dads. The report was lovely, well written, a good representation of us as people and as a family. We feel very lucky to have been working with our SW on her last case before retirement. I hope we are still on schedule for going to panel on the 17th (3 weeks!!). We just need to have a meeting with a different SW to get a second opinion and then it's on to panel. Mad that we are here. To be honest we haven't had much time to think about children for the last few weeks as we have been crazy busy at work but now we have a little time to reflect I can feel the bubble of excitement growing.

Have been meaning to do an update for a while but we're manic with trying to get our new shop ready to launch this month. We're actually very grateful for having a few weeks "off" from home visits, it means we can now focus on work for a while whilst the report is written up. We should get a copy of it soon to read over so that will be exciting/weird. As I said I think we have been very honest and open with our SW and I think she has a pretty good gauge of us so I doubt there will be any surprises in the report but it will be nice to read her comments. Then we will be booked in for a second opinion meeting and onwards to Panel. Think we are still on for April 17th but it may be May 1st. We're happy either way really. Also we attended the LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week event put on by Cornwall Council. It was so lovely to spend a few hours talking about adoption. Ben said after it crazy how much we now know about it and the process. Also how much of an opinion ...

We had our last proper meeting yesterday and it feels slightly odd. We just had to finish off some sections we hadn't spoken about - guardians etc. Also go threw a checklist and our Social worker had to do a check list of the Health and Safety bits of the house. Fire alarms, where we keep our knives lock on the medicine cabinet. All fairly painless. Funny feeling going over formalities with our SW as we have a very relaxed relationship with her. We also spoke about the 10 year old boy that we have been looking at. We have decided not to go any further with him as he is nearly 11 and will be going to Secondary school next year. It is very hard to say no to him but we know that it is right for us. After doing the observation with our friend 7 year old we both felt that 7 was old let alone 10 - 11. We have put down a preference of 4 - 8 and we and our SW are very pleased with that. I think that the little boy we said no to will always stay with us and turning him down has been ver...

Update from Tuesday's session - I tried to write this up the other day but I was still a little confused. Session basically went fine, We have a date for panel as April 17th. Its been pushed back a little but it actually suits us better with work etc. We have our observation booked for next week then one more booked for the week after then we will be done. SW will head off and write our report up, we'll read it and have the independent assessment then on to panel. It has flown by. Feels crazy to think we are nearly over this section. We also talked about how we planned to parent, deal with issues and what we'd be prepared to take on as far as special needs etc. It was all fairly painless and straight forward. The reason I haven't been able to post about it earlier is because of the older child we have expressed an interest in. I feel very muddled about what we should do and how we should feel about him. The reality is that it would be easier for us if we weren't m...

Not had a chance to get my thoughts down after last session. Will try to now. SW has given us the CRP of the 10 year old boy who we are interested in to see if we may want to go further with him once we're approved. Ben has been worried about having an older child and missing out on some of the play and bonding with a younger one. It was a tense week building up to getting the report and we were trying to second guess what it might say. Actually reading it there is nothing major in it. Neglected by his BP but not abused as such. He also seems to form attachments well and is desperate for a family. Obviously we need more info but we've desided that we're still interested and would like to proceed with him. We also started talking about how we will parent wich is a funny thing. Although we've spoken generally about it we've not sat down and articulated it fully. Feels like we're coming to the end of our home visits which is scary. We have been sent the last se...

Even though we are well over mid way we had our review today with the head of the service. Was a really nice session. I hadn't felt nervous before hand but when our social worker arrived with head of service I had a slight flutter in my stomach. Every so often in this process there seems to be a big step forward and it is always a little surprising. Everything seems to be in order and it was basically to check in with us at we're happy and I think for her to have an over view of how much paper work is left to go over. It was nice to look back over things we've spoken about to our SW and she was explaining a lot about us to her boss so it was good to hear that she has a good sense of who we are. All very positive. At the end we spoke a little bit out the boy we have been interested in since the prep group. We are being shown his full profile next week! This is a little daunting but amazing at the same time. It will be good for us to read it and know one way or another if...

Funny session today, we basically went over our Eco map. Writing down who our support network are then talking about how they would physically and emotionally support us once we have a child. It was a nice positive session and was nice to think about post adoption for the first time really. Up to now it has been about our past and who we are but today felt more about what life might be like with a child. We also tied up a few loose ends with references and interviews. Then as our social worker was packing up to leave she casually asked if we had thought anymore about the 10 year old boy we expressed an interest in at the parenting course. I had to admit to thinking about him almost constantly but tried to explain that we are being realistic and trying to manage our expectations. She said that they had had a session with the team and they were talking about him and she said at the end there was hardly a dry eye amongst the social workers! I think he so wants a family and because one...

We had our first session of 2013 and it was nice to get back into it. Had a sudden realisation that panel is really not that far away and we still have a lot to cover. Time for less chit chat and more staying on topic .... This is unlikely! We are very good at nattering. The only annoying thing about this session is we found out we can only use one of our references as they need to have known one of us for five years. Most of our friends live in London and as they need to be interviewed in person it makes it tricky. We have to have a little think now and find some new ones ASAP. Think the next three months are going to fly by.